The Golden Cord
by snapescelticgirl
Summary: Dean is reliving Hell every night. It never ends just like his guilt. And he doesn't want it to. How can he forgive himself for the things he's done? Or for what happened because of them?


Dis: I do not own. Nor am I making profit. And I am not happy that Cas will not be a regular this season. COME ON Kripke!

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><p>Castiel had many ways that he watched over his charge, Dean Winchester. When in heaven, he used the bond that had formed after he rescued him from hell. It was a golden cord that ran between Dean's soul and Castiels grace. It flowed like between the two points as a wild untamed river. Yet were another angel to look at it, it would seem a thick golden chain. Unbreakable even by angel standards. When on earth but far from Dean, he would simply close his eyes and picture the hunter. No matter where Dean was, Castiel would see. His mind's eye provided such a clear and precise image that Castiel often watched Dean for hours to ensure he was safe. The angel also used devout followers of God to track Dean's whereabouts. Much to the same extent that Zachariah had done, however, Castiel never forced the other humans to tell him where Dean was. Just borrowed their eyes at times.<p>

But Castiel's favourite way to watch over Dean, was to be in the same room as him. Sometimes he allowed the hunter to know he was there. Sometimes he watched cloaked in secrecy. He had never revealed this to his brothers or to Dean. He believed Dean would find this creepy and demand him to stop it. And as Castiel had no intention of allowing harm to come to Dean, he would not give up a way to protect him.

It was during one of these times that Castiel noticed Dean seemed to be having a disturbing dream. He and Sam had just completed a hunt involving a possessed human in southern Florida. The demon had taken control of the young man and murdered his family during the night. Sam and Dean had been staking out the house next door for poltergeist. When they heard the commotion, they entered right away.

The demon taunted and threatened them Lilith breaking the seals. How one day demons would rule the Earth and play with the entrails of the humans who survived. Dean had sent Sam to the car for Holy water. When he left, the demon began asking Dean about his time in hell. The demon seemed to know specific details about Dean's time off the rack. By the time Sam had gotten back, Dean had killed the demon with Ruby's knife. And in doing so, killed the young man.

Later at the hotel, while in the shower, Dean had cried and begged forgiveness. He called Castiel's name and asked him over and over why a murderer deserved to be saved from hell. Castiel knew Dean was not asking him to come directly to him. He was simply letting go of some of the pain he carried with him. If for an instant he really meant Castiel to appear, the angel would have done so and taken away his charge.

Instead Castiel arrived in secret and watched as Sam went to the local bar. Dean had fallen asleep as soon as he laid his head on the pillow. Several minutes later the dream had begun. He twitched and moaned and cried out softly in his sleep. The golden cord that connected angel to human was tugged tightly and reverberated with shame from Dean.

Castiel could take no more. He followed the connection to Dean's soul and entered the dream. He recognized Hell and Alistair's room in particular right away. He did not expect to see what was before him though. Most times, dean dreamed of being the torturer. Tearing apart a soul to save his own.

Tonight however, Dean was stretched across the rack and his tormentor was familiar.

"Dad! Please. Don't do this. I'm sorry. Dad. Don't" Dean's voice shook with agony and fear. His father stood before him covered in his son's blood wearing a smile.

"Dean. This is what you deserve." The voice coming from John Winchester was so cold that Castiel winced. "You brought this on yourself. Do you know I endured nearly 100 years and never thought once of giving in. Would never soil my name or soul to do what you did."

Dean cried out as the image of his father drove a knife into his thigh and twisted. He choked as blood ran down his face into his open mouth. "I'm sorry. Please. I'm sorry."

That smile appeared again on the elder Winchester. "Sorry, boy. Just won't do. You broke. After only 30 years, you broke. How can you call yourself a Winchester?" The image stabbed again, this time upwards into Dean's ribs.

Castiel could stand no more. He became part of the dream and walked over to John grabbing his hand and easing the knife from Dean's body. "Enough. This is not real and you are most certainly not Dean's father."

Dean coughed again and looked up at his saviour. "Cas?"

Castiel turned at the sound of Dean's voice and nodded. "Hello Dean. Please allow me to banish this dream. You have suffered enough."

But Dean shook his head. "No. No, Cas. It will never be enough. Don't you see? He's right. I am a failure. I broke. I got off the rack. I broke the first seal. I am weak. It's my fault. My father never broke. 100 years Cas and he never broke."

The image of John Winchester started to laugh and pull away from Castiel's hold. The cord began to hum with shame and anguish again. But Castiel had had enough.

"Enough, Dean!" He forced energy down the bond and John Winchester disappeared. So did the instruments of torture and the rack. Dean fell to the ground in pain. He looked to Castiel with anger but the angel griped his right shoulder and gave him a withering look. He closed his eyes and relaxed. Dean watched in awe as wings 6 feet tall and jet black spread out from Castiel's back.

"Cas." The angel opened his eyes to see his charge staring at him in amazement. He tilted his head in that familiar way and looked at Dean with curiosity.

"What's the matter Dean? You have seen them before." He kept his voice quiet.

Dean's brow furrowed. "I have?" he asked.

Castiel nodded. "Of course. The first time I saved you."

Dean only shook his head. "I don't remember." By now he was remembering that he should be angry at the angel for invading his dream and as he opened his mouth to ask what Cas was doing there, he realized that all this seemed familiar.

"Cas, how many times have you saved me?" There was no angry in his voice. Just startled wonder.

Castiel wasn't sure if he should tell Dean how many times he had invaded the human's dreams. But knowing Dean could tell when someone was lying to him, he decided honesty was best. "This is the 27th time I have entered your dream and removed you from the rack." He hesitated then.

Dean noticed and called him on it. "But?"

Castiel sighed. "This is the first time I have had to save you from your father."

Dean cringed and tried to pull away. Memories of what he had just dreamt came rushing back. The horrible but true things his father had said.

Castiel could no longer stand it. He wrapped Dean in his wings and pushed upward. He flew until he breached the walls of the dream and then he was holding Dean on the bed in the motel. Dean came awake suddenly and tried to pull away again. But everything that he was feeling echoed down the golden cord and Castiel needed to give his charge some peace. He held Dean in his arms tighter and pushed upward again. They soared for miles like that. Human wrapped in an angel's embrace flying over the world below them.

Dean wasn't sure how long they flew but he wished it would never end. The cold crisp air felt like it was washing away his sins. They would never be gone but the pain lessened some. And the feel of those strong feathered wings against his body was unlike anything he had ever experienced. He closed his eyes and relaxed into Cas' embrace.

Hours later Castiel arrived at a safe house he had arranged in the Rocky Mountains of Alberta. It was warded against demons and angels alike. He settled on the ground and released his tight grip on Dean. The human opened his eyes and looked around.

"Cas? Where the hell are we?" Dean knew it wasn't Florida. Too cold, too many trees, too much snow.

Castiel gestured toward the house. "A safe house in Canada. No one can find us here. That is if you wish to enter?" He knew that in order to deal with some of Dean's guilt, the hunter would have to make the choice on his own.

Dean hesitated but stepped forward. Cas was his friend, his saviour and he trusted him more than anyone.

Castiel smiled then. Not a half smile that belayed his ignorance to human humour. But a full smile. He could feel the trust Dean had for him vibrating down the bond. "Come, Dean."

The hunter followed his angel into the house. It was simply but warm . A fire roaring in the hearth and cheese burgers and beer on the coffee table. Dean smiled for what felt like the first time in days. Weeks maybe.

"For you, Dean." Castiel's voice came from right behind him. Normally Dean would have been reminding Cas of personal space, but he figured after their flight moments before there wasn't a real need.

"You're awesome, Cas." Dean happily sat down and ate. He had been hungry after the hunt but too tired to follow Sam into town. Three cheeseburgers and two beer later, he sat back satisfied. He noticed that Cas had simply sat in the chair across from him and watched. Sometimes it was creepy but tonight Dean just felt contentment.

"Dean. We need to talk." Castiel hated to ruin this moment but there were some things that he felt Dean needed to have explained to him. To the angel's surprise, Dean just sighed and nodded.

"Sure, Cas. I owe you so much. And not just for tonight." Dean spoke softly. "We can talk."

Castiel had so many things to say he wasn't sure where to start. But he did know he needed to render one of Dean's beliefs a myth. So he started there.

"Dean. Your father did not suffer the way you did in hell." Castiel had to be blunt and the reaction was as expected. The hunter jumped up angrily.

"What the hell are you talking about? Alistair told me. Everyday Cas he told me what he did to my father. The things he said and how he had never broken." Dean was furious. "How can you say otherwise?"

Castiel stood up as well and moved as close to Dean as possible. "Demons lie, Dean."

Dean scoffed and dropped back down on the couch. "They told me man. They told me he suffered. That they tried to get him to break the first seal, but he wouldn't. He was too strong. Not like me. Not weak like me."

Castiel sat beside the distressed man. "Dean?" he began. When he wouldn't look up, Cas laid his hand directly onto his scar that bound them together.

Dean gasped as heat spread thru his body from Cas' touch. He stared at the angel in confusion.

Cas kept his hand there. "What you are feeling is my emotions and beliefs as a physical reaction thru our bond. Close your eyes Dean and search deep inside. You should be able to see it."

Dean could do nothing but obey. He didn't know how he knew where to look but he found what Cas was talking about. A beautiful liquid golden cord connecting him to Cas. He was left in awe that something so pure was connected to him.

"Now, I need you to listen to me Dean." Castiels voice became very firm. "You know that prophecy states a righteous man will open the first seal. That Michael and Lucifer will fight. You know that Sam is Lucifer's vessel. You know you are Michael's vessel. It is destined."

Dean nodded."Yeah I know Cas." He wasn't sure where this was going.

Castiel waited for a moment. "It always had to be you Dean. Right from the start. Two brothers as vessels for two brothers." He stopped again to make sure Dean was following. "Did your father have a brother Dean?"

Dean hesitated for a moment. "No."

Castiel pushed forward. "The Host of Heaven was not sent into Hell until you're soul was taken there Dean. We did not receive orders to save John Winchester even though he had been there longer."

Dean frowned. "What?"

Castiel knew he had to force Dean to see what was in front of him. If even to give him just a moment's peace. "If would not have mattered if your father had gotten off the rack. It was never about him. He was never the righteous man."

Dean saw his point but he knew that wasn't the end of his torment. "That doesn't change the fact that I am weak and did get off the rack Cas." His voice was thick with unshed tears. But he refused to let them fall. Refused to allow the slightest bit of guilt to lessen.

Castiel sighed. "Dean. Alistair very rarely if ever visited your father in hell. He knew that John wasn't the one. He allowed others to 'look after' your father."

Dean looked at him in confusion. "I don't. . .I don't understand."

Cas opened the bond fully so Dean could feel the truth as well as hear it. "You spent every day for 30 years with Hell's torturer. Every day Dean. Nearly 11,000 days being brutalized by the demon that demons fear. Do you understand Dean?"

Dean wasn't quite ready to let go of the guilt yet though. "I get it Cas but come on, I got off the rack." It was his mantra now. "I tortured other souls.

Castiel was growing frustrated. "Dean, ask yourself this. Why were those souls there in the first place?" The angel allowed Dean to think about that for a moment before continuing. "Dean, we have interrogated many demons. Asked about many things and one of those things was Alistair's rack." He squeezed Dean's shoulder to get the other man to look at him. "Dean, even the demons were amazed that you withstood thirty years with Alistair. They said most souls last mere weeks under his constant attention. You lasted thirty years. Do you understand, Dean?"

It was asking a lot of Dean to let go of the notion that he wasn't weak. And maybe he would never fully let go, but he could feel the truth vibrating from his bond to Cas. He had lasted thirty years. His father had rarely been visited by Alistair. And his father was never the righteous man. Heaven had not sent the Host after him because they knew that. Slowly, belief crept into Dean's heart.

Castiel could feel some of the guilt draining away from Dean. He sighed as the bond between them pulsed with new found strength. Perhaps now his charge could rest a little easier.

Dean knew that his nightmares would continue. That was just a fact. The torture he had inflicted was still a part of him now. And even if those souls were in hell for a reason, he still caused them pain. But his soul felt a little lighter now.

Castiel knew it was time to return Dean back to his brother. "We must go now, Dean. It is almost morning."

Dean smiled and stood up. He stopped for a brief second before wrapping his arms around the angel. Unlike before, Castiel did not hesitate to return the embrace. He had helped Dean cross a bridge tonight. He had no doubt that there were many down the road but for tonight his friend had some peace.

Dean released the angel reluctantly. "Thanks, Cas. I owe you. So many more than I could count. But thanks." His eyes were glassy with unshed tears as he watched his angel straighten his coat.

"You are most welcome, Dean. I would do anything for you. You must know this." Castiel desperately hoped Dean knew this. The smile on the hunter's face showed him he did.

Without another word, Dean moved into Castiel's open arms and felt a rush of air. This trip didn't take as long as the first. Within minutes, he was standing by his motel bed.

"So, I'll see you soon?" Dean cringed at his needy voice. "I mean, you know, drop in if you get a chance."

Castiel nodded. "Of course, Dean. Please be careful."

Dean scoffed. "Course."

Castiel moved into his space again and stared him directly in the eye. "I mean it Dean. Please be careful."

Dean touched the angel on the shoulder. "I will, Cas. I promise. But, you'll be watching anyway if I don't, huh?" He had meant it as a joke.

Castiel merely nodded. "Every day, Dean. Every day." He was gone in a flap of invisible wings. But his last statement brought Dean peace. He knew that the next time his dreams turned towards the worst, he'd have an angel by his side.


End file.
